No One Is Coming To Save Me
It's Saturday evening at my parents house and we are all gathered in the kitchen to eat dinner. The table is filled with delicious Indian food - chilli paneer, the world's best paneer spring rolls, spiced potatoes stuffed in bread and deep fried, fresh mint & coriander chutney and more. I am in food heaven.
As we load our plates and sit down to eat, I hear my mum telling my Mammyji (auntie) "Jyoti used to be scared of the kettle and wouldn't pick it up." In my opinion this was not the truth so I say "That's not true Mum, I was never scared of the kettle. I used to be scared of the iron but not the kettle." She replies, "Well you weren't strong enough to pick it up, especially if it was full." I go back to enjoying my spring roll.
It's 5pm on Sunday and I am driving home after an emotional weekend of saying bye to my family who are headed back to India. I am reflecting on what my Mum said. Was there some truth in what she said and perhaps we remembered it differently? Why was it bothering me so much?
I think back to being a young girl and remember that I did, and sometimes still do, wait for others to do the heavy lifting - both figuratively and literally. I used to struggle to carry heavy pots and pans. I used to tell myself that I am not strong and let others do it. I used to be terrified of fire - especially the Bunsen burner at school and would refuse to be the one who lit it in my Chemistry lessons. I used to get my Dad to carry my weekend suitcase up and down the stairs, in and out of the car for me because I believed I wasn't strong enough to do it. Even now I catch myself expecting my husband to carry the heavy stuff despite being more than capable myself - it's something I am trying to stop.
Photo taken by Nadia Meli
I realised that being helpless or weak or a damsel in distress was a large part of my teenage identity that I ended up carrying into my early and now late 20s. I will often wait for others to take action instead of doing it myself. Then I will get frustrated that others don't take the action I expected - as though the people around me can read my mind!
My Mum's comment hit a nerve because it brought a part of me that I didn't want to see into the light. The part of me that doesn't want to grow up. The part of me that doesn't want to have responsibilities. The part of me that doesn't want to be an 'adult'. The part of me that doesn't want to take responsibility for myself. Her comment reminded me that this pattern has been there since I was a young girl. And of course, some of it is due to conditioning, society, culture etc.
So at 29 years old the veil has been lifted. I am realising that I am an actual whole adult. I am recognising that I need to take responsibility for myself and my life. No one is going to do it for me. No one is coming to save me. It's up to me. And that is equally liberating and terrifying.
Jane Hardwick-Collins explains that the maiden season of life is from 0-25 years old and the mother phase is 25-50 years old. So I am very much into my Mother phase. A quick note to say that the mother phase doesn't mean you have a child but rather you birth your ideas, your projects, your true self into the world. As I enter this season of my life, I have been actively learning how to mother myself. I have been learning how to hold myself accountable. I have been learning how to hold the many paradoxes of life. I have been learning how to hold myself with love and compassion when I feel low rather than berating myself. I have been learning how to hold the nuances of life. I have been learning how to hold myself through the waves of life - the joys, the sorrows and everything in between. This is a powerful and uncomfortable practice which I don't always get right. I am learning, I am reflecting, I am growing, I am becoming.
And none of these insights, these breakthroughs, these realisations would have been possible without Menstrual Cycle Awareness (MCA). My deep understanding of my cyclical nature, my body, my hormones, my menstrual cycle and the ebbs and flows that come with this have been revolutionary. MCA is the gift that keeps on giving - there is always going to be more layers to peel back, more depth to uncover, more magic to tap into. I am ready for this Mother season of my life.
Learn more about MCA and the magic that lives within you at my retreats or work with me one-to-one.
With love & gratitude,
Jyoti x